My heart is full and there is so much that I want to write about, and yet the words don't seem to want to come. I am struggling to find the way to capture what it is that is in my heart and how life is different. I don't know how to find the words to express how life can change in just a moment. How does one write about the light becoming brighter, the colours becoming deeper and more vibrant, the joy becoming almost unbearable and the grief that much keener? How can one capture, in words, the God of the Universe who spoke the world into being and yet *sings* over me? How can I write about the moment of understanding, when love broke through and I understood that I am loved? How can I find the way to write about how years of feeling unworthy, never good enough, substandard and flawed came crashing down because of being loved? The thing is I always was loved. I just didn't understand it, couldn't accept it, rejected it, wouldn't believe it, couldn't believe it. How could somebody like me be loved? I had a whole list of things quite specific as well as vague impressions of why I couldn't be loved and would never be loved. I gave up on love and by doing so I gave up on myself. Yet Love never gave up on me. Gently, kindly, insistently Love courted me, wooed me, waited for me to open my eyes to see what was always there ~ to know beyond a mind understanding to a whole being understanding that God loves me and dare I say it? He even delights in me and not in the sense of how He loves everybody but in a unique and individual sense that He sees *me* and that His love is not only directed towards me but is specifically for me. How can I find the words to write about how I finally feel that I am "the beloved" and that even my quirks charm God?
Last night at church it built and built within me that if I didn't speak out this love I would pop. The words had to be said. You wonder what is love? We hear so much in our culture the romantic notion of dying for the person one loves. Jesus did that. But He did more. He took on death, and brought death into submission and came back from the dead because He loves. This is Love. This is the love that cannot be diminished, cannot be denied, cannot be explained, and beyond every love. It is one thing to die for the person one loves, it is another to make death obedient to His will and to deny death and come back for the one loved ... and into a life beyond anything ever experienced before.
I cannot be silent and yet I struggle with the words to even remotely express to a world jaded to itself that there is so much more beyond Socratic thought and what one can see, taste, touch, hear, or smell. God is real, His love is real, and He loves YOU. Anyone can die for the one loved, but this is not some ghost story, He took on death and won and came back for YOU, and all because He loves.
