My Mulan Moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder at who it is that I see. I wonder "Who is this woman?" Sometimes I talk too much and there is this inner voice inside of me almost screaming at me to shut up and yet I keep on talking and talking and talking ~ blathering is probably the best word for what it is I do then. Other times when it is important that I do say something I am silent and that same voice that yelled "shut up!' is now screaming "say something!". But I don't. I don't shut up and I say nothing. I feel that my words are like meaningless sounds in empty air dropping like anvils from my mouth. Sometimes I am too reserved when I shouldn't be and I hold back. I hold back showing the love I feel and want to express because I am afraid of how it would be received. Other times I am too forward, too bold, too open and the very person I try to show how I feel about I end up alienating with who I am. Sometimes I think that I hide way too much and yet show the wrong things ~ or I show what is right but do so with the wrong people. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing ~ either that or a puzzle missing the picture on the box so I have no clue what it is I am trying to put together. I feel I am both too much and too little.

I know that this not how I am supposed to feel. This is where as a woman who is a Christ follower I am supposed to say "and yet it's alright because I find who I am in Him". Which is very true. But I'm afraid to let go. I'm being challenged again to go deeper into Christ and I find myself trembling and full of every reason why I can't, why I shouldn't. I've asked myself over and over and over again "Do I trust God enough for _____?" I'm afraid. Intellectually I know I am not too much or too little for God but my heart is screaming another message ~ a message taught by rejection and yet it is not God's message to me. Willing myself to be still I tremble with fear of possible rejection, of being misunderstood and misunderstanding yet again. Maybe I will be misunderstood by some. I know, given my track record, that I will misunderstand others but, somehow, frightened yet willing, I will trust my God. With one foot in front of the other, trusting because He's only shown goodness and kindness, I will go deeper and I will reach higher.

The song "Reflection" from the movie "Mulan" sung by Christina Aguilera ~ I can really relate to this song for some reason ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4mVA2OHzNc&feature=related

Untitled (for the time being)

This past couple of weeks has been .... interesting.  It has been difficult, although there have been some bright spots in it.  I am learning more about myself and how I look at the world and how I view myself. As a result my sense of self-consciousness, which has always been a large part of how I interact with others, is feeling even greater.  I've been wanting to cloister myself, and yet, at the same time I am yearning to reach out and become an active participant in my own life again.  I've been sick the past couple of weeks and cold meds have made me feel like my head is floating about two inches above my neck.  This has not made for a lot of cognitive thought ~ and yet my mind has been churning the past week or so about so many things.

A lot of it comes back to lies.  Lies told to me about myself from others, and lies I have told myself.  It is a step ahead to realize that there are lies which still have a hold of me, and to start to recognize them, but now what?  It is like saying "I have been diagnosed with cancer".  Ok, so now one knows one has cancer, what next?  Knowing the diagnosis doesn't change the effect of the disease or the impact it has, not only on the person diagnosed, but on those around the person with cancer.  I am not using the analogy of cancer lightly.  The word "cancer" comes from the latin word for "crab". The word was used originally to mean a malignancy, doubtless because of the crab-like tenacity a malignant tumor sometimes seems to show in grasping the tissues it invades.   Lies can be very much like that in how they can invade a person's life, and grasping onto the person it can become malignant and poisoning everything in a person's life by replacing what was healthy with what is toxic.  The Bible states that we as people have exchanged the truth of God for a lie ... and Jesus said that the truth will set us free.  Ok.  I've got that.  Again I find myself asking "Now what?"  I wish I had a deep and meaningful answer to that, but I've got nothin'.  I'm still trying to work things out and to sort out the truths of who I am from the lies, and who I am from the cardboard construct others have made of me that I believed and bought into.  This.is.not.easy.

I've also been fighting the whole "eat my way to numbness" thing which always backfires because then I feel disgusted with myself for having eaten and then eat to punish myself for having eaten ... which makes me feel even worse and wanting to eat more. This. is. not. good.   I've been fairly successful in fighting it but the urge is there.  When I get close to these lies it is like I have this inner desire to run away from it and hide myself in being fat.  I have no idea if that will make any sense to anybody who has never struggled in these areas.  I know it is time to stop hiding.  This means stepping out from behind the walls I have made so carefully and to take off the mask I have crafted so skillfully and to allow others to see the me that I've only allowed a few to see. This terrifies me.

I do know this though ~ Jesus said "I am the way, the truth and the life" so I will be looking to Him for truth.  I do not believe that truth is subjective, or truth is only a perception.  I believe that truth is absolute, and so I'm banking on the absolute, on God, for that truth.  This.is.good.