... and this is love

My heart is full and there is so much that I want to write about, and yet the words don't seem to want to come.  I am struggling to find the way to capture what it is that is in my heart and how life is different.  I don't know how to find the words to express how life can change in just a moment.  How does one write about the light becoming brighter, the colours becoming deeper and more vibrant, the joy becoming almost unbearable and the grief that much keener?  How can one capture, in words, the God of the Universe who spoke the world into being and yet *sings* over me?  How can I write about the moment of understanding, when love broke through and I understood that I am loved?  How can I find the way to write about how years of feeling unworthy, never good enough, substandard and flawed came crashing down because of being loved?  The thing is I always was loved.  I just didn't understand it, couldn't accept it, rejected it, wouldn't believe it, couldn't believe it.   How could somebody like me be loved?  I had a whole list of things quite specific as well as vague impressions of why I couldn't be loved and would never be loved.  I gave up on love and by doing so I gave up on myself.  Yet Love never gave up on me.  Gently, kindly, insistently Love courted me, wooed me, waited for me to open my eyes to see what was always there ~ to know beyond a mind understanding to a whole being understanding that God loves me and dare I say it?  He even delights in me and not in the sense of how He loves everybody but in a unique and individual sense that He sees *me* and that His love is not only directed towards me but is specifically for me.  How can I find the words to write about how I finally feel that I am "the beloved" and that even my quirks charm God?

Last night at church it built and built within me that if I didn't speak out this love I would pop.  The words had to be said.  You wonder what is love?  We hear so much in our culture the romantic notion of dying for the person one loves.  Jesus did that.  But He did more.  He took on death, and brought death into submission and came back from the dead because He loves.  This is Love.  This is the love that cannot be diminished, cannot be denied, cannot be explained, and beyond every love.  It is one thing to die for the person one loves, it is another to make death obedient to His will and to deny death and come back for the one loved ... and into a life beyond anything ever experienced before.

I cannot be silent and yet I struggle with the words to even remotely express to a world jaded to itself that there is so much more beyond Socratic thought and what one can see, taste, touch, hear, or smell.  God is real, His love is real, and He loves YOU.  Anyone can die for the one loved, but this is not some ghost story, He took on death and won and came back for YOU, and all because He loves.

Twenty Guinea Pigs

Twenty pounds.  It doesn't sound like much.  It doesn't feel like much when I consider how much I have yet to lose and how long it took me to lose that measly twenty pounds.  I started losing weight in October and here it is the middle of April and all I've lost is twenty pounds.  I am tempted to feel bad about myself because it has taken me that long to lose only twenty pounds.  In the beginning I thought that by this time I'd have lost sixty pounds and be pretty much done with my weight loss.  I thought I'd be looking 'hot' and feeling 'hot' and so good about myself.   This is not be where I wanted to be.  I've been fighting my thyroid through all of this.  It is as if my body is holding onto every pound as if it were some kind of pirate treasure.  I've had the dosage of my thyroid medication increased and it is starting to help.  I'm still struggling with things and I have fought hard for every pound I've lost.  This is certainly not how much I wanted to lose by this time so in order to give myself some perspective I did a bit of "research" on things that weigh twenty pounds. 

A barrel of water weighs twenty pounds.

A car tire weighs twenty pounds.

Apparently the memoir of Reverend Stanley Smith weighs twenty pounds (I'll have to "google" him at a later point in time). 

About four chihuahuas weigh twenty pounds.

Two bags of kitty litter weigh twenty pounds.

Twenty guinea pigs weigh about twenty pounds. 

So, I am down about twenty guinea pigs ....  and I suppose that is good.  It beats being up several guinea pigs.

Although I am disappointed that I haven't lost the weight I wanted to by now, I am sure that in a month I'll have lost nearly two chihuahuas, maybe even a bag of kitty litter.  Now that I'm actually starting to see and feel the weight loss it is giving me a lot more motivation ~ and quite frankly, I need that motivation. 

My Mulan Moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder at who it is that I see. I wonder "Who is this woman?" Sometimes I talk too much and there is this inner voice inside of me almost screaming at me to shut up and yet I keep on talking and talking and talking ~ blathering is probably the best word for what it is I do then. Other times when it is important that I do say something I am silent and that same voice that yelled "shut up!' is now screaming "say something!". But I don't. I don't shut up and I say nothing. I feel that my words are like meaningless sounds in empty air dropping like anvils from my mouth. Sometimes I am too reserved when I shouldn't be and I hold back. I hold back showing the love I feel and want to express because I am afraid of how it would be received. Other times I am too forward, too bold, too open and the very person I try to show how I feel about I end up alienating with who I am. Sometimes I think that I hide way too much and yet show the wrong things ~ or I show what is right but do so with the wrong people. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing ~ either that or a puzzle missing the picture on the box so I have no clue what it is I am trying to put together. I feel I am both too much and too little.

I know that this not how I am supposed to feel. This is where as a woman who is a Christ follower I am supposed to say "and yet it's alright because I find who I am in Him". Which is very true. But I'm afraid to let go. I'm being challenged again to go deeper into Christ and I find myself trembling and full of every reason why I can't, why I shouldn't. I've asked myself over and over and over again "Do I trust God enough for _____?" I'm afraid. Intellectually I know I am not too much or too little for God but my heart is screaming another message ~ a message taught by rejection and yet it is not God's message to me. Willing myself to be still I tremble with fear of possible rejection, of being misunderstood and misunderstanding yet again. Maybe I will be misunderstood by some. I know, given my track record, that I will misunderstand others but, somehow, frightened yet willing, I will trust my God. With one foot in front of the other, trusting because He's only shown goodness and kindness, I will go deeper and I will reach higher.

The song "Reflection" from the movie "Mulan" sung by Christina Aguilera ~ I can really relate to this song for some reason ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4mVA2OHzNc&feature=related

Untitled (for the time being)

This past couple of weeks has been .... interesting.  It has been difficult, although there have been some bright spots in it.  I am learning more about myself and how I look at the world and how I view myself. As a result my sense of self-consciousness, which has always been a large part of how I interact with others, is feeling even greater.  I've been wanting to cloister myself, and yet, at the same time I am yearning to reach out and become an active participant in my own life again.  I've been sick the past couple of weeks and cold meds have made me feel like my head is floating about two inches above my neck.  This has not made for a lot of cognitive thought ~ and yet my mind has been churning the past week or so about so many things.

A lot of it comes back to lies.  Lies told to me about myself from others, and lies I have told myself.  It is a step ahead to realize that there are lies which still have a hold of me, and to start to recognize them, but now what?  It is like saying "I have been diagnosed with cancer".  Ok, so now one knows one has cancer, what next?  Knowing the diagnosis doesn't change the effect of the disease or the impact it has, not only on the person diagnosed, but on those around the person with cancer.  I am not using the analogy of cancer lightly.  The word "cancer" comes from the latin word for "crab". The word was used originally to mean a malignancy, doubtless because of the crab-like tenacity a malignant tumor sometimes seems to show in grasping the tissues it invades.   Lies can be very much like that in how they can invade a person's life, and grasping onto the person it can become malignant and poisoning everything in a person's life by replacing what was healthy with what is toxic.  The Bible states that we as people have exchanged the truth of God for a lie ... and Jesus said that the truth will set us free.  Ok.  I've got that.  Again I find myself asking "Now what?"  I wish I had a deep and meaningful answer to that, but I've got nothin'.  I'm still trying to work things out and to sort out the truths of who I am from the lies, and who I am from the cardboard construct others have made of me that I believed and bought into.  This.is.not.easy.

I've also been fighting the whole "eat my way to numbness" thing which always backfires because then I feel disgusted with myself for having eaten and then eat to punish myself for having eaten ... which makes me feel even worse and wanting to eat more. This. is. not. good.   I've been fairly successful in fighting it but the urge is there.  When I get close to these lies it is like I have this inner desire to run away from it and hide myself in being fat.  I have no idea if that will make any sense to anybody who has never struggled in these areas.  I know it is time to stop hiding.  This means stepping out from behind the walls I have made so carefully and to take off the mask I have crafted so skillfully and to allow others to see the me that I've only allowed a few to see. This terrifies me.

I do know this though ~ Jesus said "I am the way, the truth and the life" so I will be looking to Him for truth.  I do not believe that truth is subjective, or truth is only a perception.  I believe that truth is absolute, and so I'm banking on the absolute, on God, for that truth.  This.is.good.

Choices

I have always found God's timing to be incredible.  Today, in my inbox was an article from www.biblegateway.com that addressed so many of the things I was feeling last night, and so I want to post it on my blog.  I found it very encouraging ... specially to know that this is just the beginning, really.  I may have made a lot of wrong choices in my past but I am trying to make the right choices now and allow God.  I was going to write "to allow God to make changes in me" but I think it is just more accurate and more true to say "to allow God" since that encompasses everything.

"A wise person chooses the right road..." Ecclesiastes 10:2a (NLT)
by Lisa Whittle

There are times when I do not choose well.  I watch things on TV that tarnish my heart. I behave in ways that erode my marriage. I spend money I do not have, say things I do not mean, leave things undone that need to be finished. I react in anger and it misrepresents Jesus.  I have holes: internal voids that limit and define me...and it shows.

If that were the end of my story, I would be in deep trouble. I would break things that couldn't be fixed. I would destroy things that couldn't be restored. I would damage relationships, beyond repair. I would live, unfulfilled and prideful, without my soul feeling settled. Left alone, sometimes my holes have produced such things.  But there is another element to my story, and it brings me great hope. Jesus...with the supernatural ability to fill even my broadest of gaps...draws me into Him, asking me to choose the thing that will make my soul well. It is an important choice to make, for every believer. It is one that results in wholeness.

The decision to choose what will make our soul well is not always easy. Sometimes it will require us to break from something we love that has become a toxic habit. Often it will ask us to give up our will for the will of the Father.  I love today's verse in Ecclesiastes that talks about this choice, "A wise person chooses the right road..." This verse shows us that even when things happen to us without our permission or by the choice of another, we still have a choice in what we will do next.

In my book, {w}hole, I share the story of my family being involved in a scandal that turned our lives upside down when I was in college. In the wake of our turmoil, I did not choose well...acting in ways that ultimately hurt me and others.  But at a certain point I decided I wanted to be different. I wanted to be better and allow God to change my course by committing to truth, even if it hurt. It was a choice I have never regretted, a choice that set me on the "right road" - a road that led to healing and wholeness.

Wholeness-soul wellness-does not come to those who are only halfway committed to it. It is for the person who is tired of living for themselves or as a victim to their experiences...the one who desires to find their true identity...the one with worldly success who still longs for more. Wholeness is available to the person who wants to no longer be defined or limited by anything and is willing to do whatever it takes to change.  Any sacrifice we must choose to make our soul well is always worth the price. Abundance of joy, richness of God's favor, stability of truth and completeness of fulfillment are ours when we decide we are no longer willing to live with holes but instead, desire to be whole.
When we offer our holes to Jesus, we give Him the opportunity to fill them up with Him.  And that, my friend, is always choosing well.

Dear Lord, I want to choose well. Help me not to stand in my own way of wholeness and healing. Where habits need to be broken, I ask that You give me the strength to break from them. Help me not to invest in things that erode my hear; instead, help me press into You and draw from Your deep well of wisdom, peace and love. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

"I Need You to Love Me"

Sometimes I wonder when the old messages will finally be gone and won't play themselves in my head anymore.  I wonder when I will be done with the ugliness that almost destroyed my life.  I wonder when these things that slither out from the dark to grab me by the ankles and try to drag me back under will finally let go.

I thought that I would struggle more with things as I got close to the goal weight I have for myself ... which will take a fair amount of time to reach but instead it seems that it is starting now.  Maybe it isn't the losing weight but that I am finally making steps to come out of myself that is waking the ghosts of the past.  These old messages keep playing over and over again, specially when I want so much to do something worthwhile and with eternal value.  The message plays over and over again about how I have nothing to offer and that I lost all opportunity to do anything worthwhile because of the mess I had made of my life.   I find myself wondering when the past will ever be the past.

I've only lost eight pounds so far and I feel like I'm missing part of my defense already.  What am I going to do when I don't have that weight to alienate people?  What am I going to do when I stand there, just me, with nothing to hide behind?  Tonight I felt so vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to binge ... I just wanted to eat until I was numb again.  I've been kind of volunteered to help at AWANA at the church my parents go to.  Sweetpea goes there and loves it, and they really need leaders.  I figure they must be desperate since they've asked me to help out.  Tonight there was a meeting of the leaders for Sparkies and I felt so incredibly out of place, so I did what I generally do when I feel uncomfortable and I talked too much.   All I could think of when I was there was how much I don't belong with these people ... these beautiful women and their children and husbands.  There was another woman there who is also older and single, but she is so accomplished and talented and I feel so inadequate around her.  It is also so very difficult for me being at that church in so many ways.  This is the church I grew up going to and when I returned as an unwed mother I saw the looks I was given by some ... and while some may not think their words didn't get back to me, well they did. 

At the meeting I felt a mask settle over me and the need to "prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet".  I felt the hurt, and I felt the shame of choices I made years ago.  I heard the old voices in my head about not amounting to anything ... always trying but it never being good enough and that I had ruined any chance I may have had to do something as a ministry.  It was such an effort not to grab slice after slice of pizza that was there ... and the chocolate cake.  It was an act of the will not to have anything.  I came home and it was so hard not to walk to the fridge and eat until I didn't hurt anymore.  I wanted the walls up and higher than ever.  I wanted to eat the pain away that I am feeling.  Instead of eating the hurt away I am trying to write it out and deal with it.  Everything in me wants to put a mask firmly in place and pretend that I am feeling alright.  However, I can't do that anymore.  All I know is that there has to be more.  I want more from my life.  I want more for my daughter too.  How can I teach her to be genuine if I cannot be that way?  I just want to know when the poisonous whispers from the past will finally be done.  Maybe when I find the courage to write them out they will be silenced.

There is a song by BarlowGirl that has lyrics that fit so much of what I am feeling right now. 

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been
And I need you to love me,
I need you to love me,
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUA7zSTTi8Y

Insert witty and/or thought provoking title here

It's been a good two weeks and I weigh about five pounds less than I did when I started this blog.  This is something I feel good about.  I know in the grand scheme of things it may not sound like much, but to get all philosophical "a waterfall starts with one drop of water" and this weight loss thing starts with one pound.  When I am feeling a bit discouraged I picture a big bag of sugar and think to myself that I have lost the equivalent of that.

I was away for a few days this week visiting my sister and her family so we ate a fair amount of fast food this past week travelling there and back.  I'm not a big fan of eating meat and am a rather non-dedicated vegetarian.  I plan on becoming more and more vegetarian though as I work out how I can best do this for my daughter and myself.  On our last day away we met up with my sister in the food court of one of the malls where she lives.  There didn't seem to be a lot of choice, so thinking I was doing the better thing, I went to Taco Bell since at least the bean burritos are somewhat vegetarian friendly.  Calorie wise I would have been sooooo much better off with a hamburger!  I checked out what two Taco Bell bean burritos were on www.mypyramidtracker.gov and those two burritos and a soft drink were pretty much a whole days worth of caloric intake ~ it came to a bit over ONE THOUSAND calories!  That was a scary lesson learned.  They certainly were not worth it taste wise or portion wise for that many calories.

I missed my third weigh-in today because I had a migraine pretty much all day and couldn't get there for just the weigh-in.  I am looking forward to next week though.  Now that I'm started on this I am begininng to feel pretty good about it and what I can do.  Nobody will be able to notice the weight loss for quite awhile ~ but I will know.

I have to admit that a lot of my motivation for losing weight at the moment is for vanity reasons and to look better.  However, I want to be stronger.  I am not in bad health and I am not weak, but I want to be strong and lean.  I am fighting back.  Too much of my life was stolen from me and I am not going to allow myself to contribute to that theft any longer.  I was reading a study that showed that a woman who is heavy is not paid as much as others.  It also said that neither is she hired as easily as slim counterparts even if she has as many,  if not more, qualifications than those who are hired instead.  I need work and I want a good job.  I have the qualifications.  I am a recreation therapist, and quite frankly, I'm pretty good at it too.  I am aware though that I am not taken seriously at times as one because of my weight.  So, I am very motivated for this weight loss now from a vanity standpoint and from a financial stand point.  

I am pretty healthy apart from my thyroid.  My blood sugar levels are excellent.  My cholesterol levels are fine.  My blood pressure is 120/70, which is considered ideal.  I don't plod when I walk.  But I need to be better.  I want to be better.  I will be better.  I have no goal of running in a marathon but I do have a goal when it comes to being in shape and fit.  I want to be able to climb the stairs of the CN Tower in a year or so when they have that fund raising/charity event for people to climb the stairs.  I also have a pedometer and I am going to start to record how much I walk a day and maybe "walk" my way to Florida ... and when I have I plan on rewarding myself with an actual trip to Florida and to take my little girl to Disney World again.