I have always found God's timing to be incredible. Today, in my inbox was an article from www.biblegateway.com that addressed so many of the things I was feeling last night, and so I want to post it on my blog. I found it very encouraging ... specially to know that this is just the beginning, really. I may have made a lot of wrong choices in my past but I am trying to make the right choices now and allow God. I was going to write "to allow God to make changes in me" but I think it is just more accurate and more true to say "to allow God" since that encompasses everything.
"A wise person chooses the right road..." Ecclesiastes 10:2a (NLT)
by Lisa Whittle
There are times when I do not choose well. I watch things on TV that tarnish my heart. I behave in ways that erode my marriage. I spend money I do not have, say things I do not mean, leave things undone that need to be finished. I react in anger and it misrepresents Jesus. I have holes: internal voids that limit and define me...and it shows.
If that were the end of my story, I would be in deep trouble. I would break things that couldn't be fixed. I would destroy things that couldn't be restored. I would damage relationships, beyond repair. I would live, unfulfilled and prideful, without my soul feeling settled. Left alone, sometimes my holes have produced such things. But there is another element to my story, and it brings me great hope. Jesus...with the supernatural ability to fill even my broadest of gaps...draws me into Him, asking me to choose the thing that will make my soul well. It is an important choice to make, for every believer. It is one that results in wholeness.
The decision to choose what will make our soul well is not always easy. Sometimes it will require us to break from something we love that has become a toxic habit. Often it will ask us to give up our will for the will of the Father. I love today's verse in Ecclesiastes that talks about this choice, "A wise person chooses the right road..." This verse shows us that even when things happen to us without our permission or by the choice of another, we still have a choice in what we will do next.
In my book, {w}hole, I share the story of my family being involved in a scandal that turned our lives upside down when I was in college. In the wake of our turmoil, I did not choose well...acting in ways that ultimately hurt me and others. But at a certain point I decided I wanted to be different. I wanted to be better and allow God to change my course by committing to truth, even if it hurt. It was a choice I have never regretted, a choice that set me on the "right road" - a road that led to healing and wholeness.
Wholeness-soul wellness-does not come to those who are only halfway committed to it. It is for the person who is tired of living for themselves or as a victim to their experiences...the one who desires to find their true identity...the one with worldly success who still longs for more. Wholeness is available to the person who wants to no longer be defined or limited by anything and is willing to do whatever it takes to change. Any sacrifice we must choose to make our soul well is always worth the price. Abundance of joy, richness of God's favor, stability of truth and completeness of fulfillment are ours when we decide we are no longer willing to live with holes but instead, desire to be whole.
When we offer our holes to Jesus, we give Him the opportunity to fill them up with Him. And that, my friend, is always choosing well.
Dear Lord, I want to choose well. Help me not to stand in my own way of wholeness and healing. Where habits need to be broken, I ask that You give me the strength to break from them. Help me not to invest in things that erode my hear; instead, help me press into You and draw from Your deep well of wisdom, peace and love. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
"I Need You to Love Me"
Sometimes I wonder when the old messages will finally be gone and won't play themselves in my head anymore. I wonder when I will be done with the ugliness that almost destroyed my life. I wonder when these things that slither out from the dark to grab me by the ankles and try to drag me back under will finally let go.
I thought that I would struggle more with things as I got close to the goal weight I have for myself ... which will take a fair amount of time to reach but instead it seems that it is starting now. Maybe it isn't the losing weight but that I am finally making steps to come out of myself that is waking the ghosts of the past. These old messages keep playing over and over again, specially when I want so much to do something worthwhile and with eternal value. The message plays over and over again about how I have nothing to offer and that I lost all opportunity to do anything worthwhile because of the mess I had made of my life. I find myself wondering when the past will ever be the past.
I've only lost eight pounds so far and I feel like I'm missing part of my defense already. What am I going to do when I don't have that weight to alienate people? What am I going to do when I stand there, just me, with nothing to hide behind? Tonight I felt so vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to binge ... I just wanted to eat until I was numb again. I've been kind of volunteered to help at AWANA at the church my parents go to. Sweetpea goes there and loves it, and they really need leaders. I figure they must be desperate since they've asked me to help out. Tonight there was a meeting of the leaders for Sparkies and I felt so incredibly out of place, so I did what I generally do when I feel uncomfortable and I talked too much. All I could think of when I was there was how much I don't belong with these people ... these beautiful women and their children and husbands. There was another woman there who is also older and single, but she is so accomplished and talented and I feel so inadequate around her. It is also so very difficult for me being at that church in so many ways. This is the church I grew up going to and when I returned as an unwed mother I saw the looks I was given by some ... and while some may not think their words didn't get back to me, well they did.
At the meeting I felt a mask settle over me and the need to "prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet". I felt the hurt, and I felt the shame of choices I made years ago. I heard the old voices in my head about not amounting to anything ... always trying but it never being good enough and that I had ruined any chance I may have had to do something as a ministry. It was such an effort not to grab slice after slice of pizza that was there ... and the chocolate cake. It was an act of the will not to have anything. I came home and it was so hard not to walk to the fridge and eat until I didn't hurt anymore. I wanted the walls up and higher than ever. I wanted to eat the pain away that I am feeling. Instead of eating the hurt away I am trying to write it out and deal with it. Everything in me wants to put a mask firmly in place and pretend that I am feeling alright. However, I can't do that anymore. All I know is that there has to be more. I want more from my life. I want more for my daughter too. How can I teach her to be genuine if I cannot be that way? I just want to know when the poisonous whispers from the past will finally be done. Maybe when I find the courage to write them out they will be silenced.
There is a song by BarlowGirl that has lyrics that fit so much of what I am feeling right now.
"I Need You To Love Me"
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.
Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been
And I need you to love me,
I need you to love me,
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUA7zSTTi8Y
I thought that I would struggle more with things as I got close to the goal weight I have for myself ... which will take a fair amount of time to reach but instead it seems that it is starting now. Maybe it isn't the losing weight but that I am finally making steps to come out of myself that is waking the ghosts of the past. These old messages keep playing over and over again, specially when I want so much to do something worthwhile and with eternal value. The message plays over and over again about how I have nothing to offer and that I lost all opportunity to do anything worthwhile because of the mess I had made of my life. I find myself wondering when the past will ever be the past.
I've only lost eight pounds so far and I feel like I'm missing part of my defense already. What am I going to do when I don't have that weight to alienate people? What am I going to do when I stand there, just me, with nothing to hide behind? Tonight I felt so vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to binge ... I just wanted to eat until I was numb again. I've been kind of volunteered to help at AWANA at the church my parents go to. Sweetpea goes there and loves it, and they really need leaders. I figure they must be desperate since they've asked me to help out. Tonight there was a meeting of the leaders for Sparkies and I felt so incredibly out of place, so I did what I generally do when I feel uncomfortable and I talked too much. All I could think of when I was there was how much I don't belong with these people ... these beautiful women and their children and husbands. There was another woman there who is also older and single, but she is so accomplished and talented and I feel so inadequate around her. It is also so very difficult for me being at that church in so many ways. This is the church I grew up going to and when I returned as an unwed mother I saw the looks I was given by some ... and while some may not think their words didn't get back to me, well they did.
At the meeting I felt a mask settle over me and the need to "prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet". I felt the hurt, and I felt the shame of choices I made years ago. I heard the old voices in my head about not amounting to anything ... always trying but it never being good enough and that I had ruined any chance I may have had to do something as a ministry. It was such an effort not to grab slice after slice of pizza that was there ... and the chocolate cake. It was an act of the will not to have anything. I came home and it was so hard not to walk to the fridge and eat until I didn't hurt anymore. I wanted the walls up and higher than ever. I wanted to eat the pain away that I am feeling. Instead of eating the hurt away I am trying to write it out and deal with it. Everything in me wants to put a mask firmly in place and pretend that I am feeling alright. However, I can't do that anymore. All I know is that there has to be more. I want more from my life. I want more for my daughter too. How can I teach her to be genuine if I cannot be that way? I just want to know when the poisonous whispers from the past will finally be done. Maybe when I find the courage to write them out they will be silenced.
There is a song by BarlowGirl that has lyrics that fit so much of what I am feeling right now.
"I Need You To Love Me"
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.
Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been
And I need you to love me,
I need you to love me,
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUA7zSTTi8Y
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Insert witty and/or thought provoking title here
It's been a good two weeks and I weigh about five pounds less than I did when I started this blog. This is something I feel good about. I know in the grand scheme of things it may not sound like much, but to get all philosophical "a waterfall starts with one drop of water" and this weight loss thing starts with one pound. When I am feeling a bit discouraged I picture a big bag of sugar and think to myself that I have lost the equivalent of that.
I was away for a few days this week visiting my sister and her family so we ate a fair amount of fast food this past week travelling there and back. I'm not a big fan of eating meat and am a rather non-dedicated vegetarian. I plan on becoming more and more vegetarian though as I work out how I can best do this for my daughter and myself. On our last day away we met up with my sister in the food court of one of the malls where she lives. There didn't seem to be a lot of choice, so thinking I was doing the better thing, I went to Taco Bell since at least the bean burritos are somewhat vegetarian friendly. Calorie wise I would have been sooooo much better off with a hamburger! I checked out what two Taco Bell bean burritos were on www.mypyramidtracker.gov and those two burritos and a soft drink were pretty much a whole days worth of caloric intake ~ it came to a bit over ONE THOUSAND calories! That was a scary lesson learned. They certainly were not worth it taste wise or portion wise for that many calories.
I missed my third weigh-in today because I had a migraine pretty much all day and couldn't get there for just the weigh-in. I am looking forward to next week though. Now that I'm started on this I am begininng to feel pretty good about it and what I can do. Nobody will be able to notice the weight loss for quite awhile ~ but I will know.
I have to admit that a lot of my motivation for losing weight at the moment is for vanity reasons and to look better. However, I want to be stronger. I am not in bad health and I am not weak, but I want to be strong and lean. I am fighting back. Too much of my life was stolen from me and I am not going to allow myself to contribute to that theft any longer. I was reading a study that showed that a woman who is heavy is not paid as much as others. It also said that neither is she hired as easily as slim counterparts even if she has as many, if not more, qualifications than those who are hired instead. I need work and I want a good job. I have the qualifications. I am a recreation therapist, and quite frankly, I'm pretty good at it too. I am aware though that I am not taken seriously at times as one because of my weight. So, I am very motivated for this weight loss now from a vanity standpoint and from a financial stand point.
I am pretty healthy apart from my thyroid. My blood sugar levels are excellent. My cholesterol levels are fine. My blood pressure is 120/70, which is considered ideal. I don't plod when I walk. But I need to be better. I want to be better. I will be better. I have no goal of running in a marathon but I do have a goal when it comes to being in shape and fit. I want to be able to climb the stairs of the CN Tower in a year or so when they have that fund raising/charity event for people to climb the stairs. I also have a pedometer and I am going to start to record how much I walk a day and maybe "walk" my way to Florida ... and when I have I plan on rewarding myself with an actual trip to Florida and to take my little girl to Disney World again.
I was away for a few days this week visiting my sister and her family so we ate a fair amount of fast food this past week travelling there and back. I'm not a big fan of eating meat and am a rather non-dedicated vegetarian. I plan on becoming more and more vegetarian though as I work out how I can best do this for my daughter and myself. On our last day away we met up with my sister in the food court of one of the malls where she lives. There didn't seem to be a lot of choice, so thinking I was doing the better thing, I went to Taco Bell since at least the bean burritos are somewhat vegetarian friendly. Calorie wise I would have been sooooo much better off with a hamburger! I checked out what two Taco Bell bean burritos were on www.mypyramidtracker.gov and those two burritos and a soft drink were pretty much a whole days worth of caloric intake ~ it came to a bit over ONE THOUSAND calories! That was a scary lesson learned. They certainly were not worth it taste wise or portion wise for that many calories.
I missed my third weigh-in today because I had a migraine pretty much all day and couldn't get there for just the weigh-in. I am looking forward to next week though. Now that I'm started on this I am begininng to feel pretty good about it and what I can do. Nobody will be able to notice the weight loss for quite awhile ~ but I will know.
I have to admit that a lot of my motivation for losing weight at the moment is for vanity reasons and to look better. However, I want to be stronger. I am not in bad health and I am not weak, but I want to be strong and lean. I am fighting back. Too much of my life was stolen from me and I am not going to allow myself to contribute to that theft any longer. I was reading a study that showed that a woman who is heavy is not paid as much as others. It also said that neither is she hired as easily as slim counterparts even if she has as many, if not more, qualifications than those who are hired instead. I need work and I want a good job. I have the qualifications. I am a recreation therapist, and quite frankly, I'm pretty good at it too. I am aware though that I am not taken seriously at times as one because of my weight. So, I am very motivated for this weight loss now from a vanity standpoint and from a financial stand point.
I am pretty healthy apart from my thyroid. My blood sugar levels are excellent. My cholesterol levels are fine. My blood pressure is 120/70, which is considered ideal. I don't plod when I walk. But I need to be better. I want to be better. I will be better. I have no goal of running in a marathon but I do have a goal when it comes to being in shape and fit. I want to be able to climb the stairs of the CN Tower in a year or so when they have that fund raising/charity event for people to climb the stairs. I also have a pedometer and I am going to start to record how much I walk a day and maybe "walk" my way to Florida ... and when I have I plan on rewarding myself with an actual trip to Florida and to take my little girl to Disney World again.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tomorrow and other lies ....
There are very few things that I can think of that are more tedious than writing down everything that I eat. As part of this twelve week weight loss challenge I am supposed to monitor and write down everything I eat and all physical activity I do. On the upside I met the calorie restrictions I had put on myself. On the downside I did not meet the goals I had for physical activity. To sound like Scarlet O'Hara, I suppose there always is tomorrow. Or is there?
At the first meeting the woman who is in charge of the physical activity component of the weight loss challenge made a point of saying that all of us there are not "bad" people because we are heavy and that messing up and "cheating" on the diet does not make a person "bad". That was very interesting to me to hear because our society hates fat people. Fat people are easy targets. See, it is all our fault we are heavy. We are lazy, gluttonous and have take out food delivery places on our speed dial, and we graze from one all you can eat fast food place to the next. Apparently we are also pretty dim and borderline on "real dumb". We are horrible people y'know. Or so our society says. It is ok to be mean to a fat person. And I had bought hook, line and sinker into the lie that I am a second class citizen....
Lies. So many lies believed and living a half life because of those lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies wrapping themselves around my being like a serpent holding me immobile and squeezing every bit of colour from my life. Lies of what beauty really is, and that beauty and worth are synonymous. As weird as it may sound it is my own mind that seems to be playing mind games with me. In some ways it is like when I was pregnant and God brought so many thing up (dredged them up is more accurate) for me to deal with. So, I guess it is God doing more of the same so that I won't be pulled down again and that I will see the lies I've believed for what they are ~ but every thing needs to be brought to the light in order to be dealt with. It is in the darkness the lies hold their power. I wish I could say that I always feel beautiful. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the woman God created me to be. Sometimes within my soul I dance free, and dance the beauty of God within me. Only sometimes though. I thought that I would start to "live" once I lose weight. I thought that I would only be deserving of happiness when I lose weight. I have let my weight hold me back from so many things .... I don't sing in public anymore because I don't like being in front of people. I hold back a lot of my personality because I don't want to draw attention to myself. I was always waiting for "tomorrow". I can't wait until tomorrow anymore. It has to be today.
I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
What I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
~ Bethany Dillon, Beautiful
At the first meeting the woman who is in charge of the physical activity component of the weight loss challenge made a point of saying that all of us there are not "bad" people because we are heavy and that messing up and "cheating" on the diet does not make a person "bad". That was very interesting to me to hear because our society hates fat people. Fat people are easy targets. See, it is all our fault we are heavy. We are lazy, gluttonous and have take out food delivery places on our speed dial, and we graze from one all you can eat fast food place to the next. Apparently we are also pretty dim and borderline on "real dumb". We are horrible people y'know. Or so our society says. It is ok to be mean to a fat person. And I had bought hook, line and sinker into the lie that I am a second class citizen....
Lies. So many lies believed and living a half life because of those lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies wrapping themselves around my being like a serpent holding me immobile and squeezing every bit of colour from my life. Lies of what beauty really is, and that beauty and worth are synonymous. As weird as it may sound it is my own mind that seems to be playing mind games with me. In some ways it is like when I was pregnant and God brought so many thing up (dredged them up is more accurate) for me to deal with. So, I guess it is God doing more of the same so that I won't be pulled down again and that I will see the lies I've believed for what they are ~ but every thing needs to be brought to the light in order to be dealt with. It is in the darkness the lies hold their power. I wish I could say that I always feel beautiful. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the woman God created me to be. Sometimes within my soul I dance free, and dance the beauty of God within me. Only sometimes though. I thought that I would start to "live" once I lose weight. I thought that I would only be deserving of happiness when I lose weight. I have let my weight hold me back from so many things .... I don't sing in public anymore because I don't like being in front of people. I hold back a lot of my personality because I don't want to draw attention to myself. I was always waiting for "tomorrow". I can't wait until tomorrow anymore. It has to be today.
I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
What I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
~ Bethany Dillon, Beautiful
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Metamorphosis ~ The Beginning
Today I made a change in my life, and a much overdue one at that. I am gaining accountability with my weight. Losing weight it is going to be one of the most terrifying things I have done. I suppose like many people I am a person of great dichotomy. One of the biggest being a craving for attention and for being "special" and one of wishing to be invisible and to live in anonymity. The result of this has been that I have been a spectator in my own life for a very long time. How does this pertain to losing weight? Hmmm, that is a long story. Then again with me pretty much everything is a long story. What can I say? My background is mainly Irish and I have a love affair going on with words.
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