My Mulan Moment

Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder at who it is that I see. I wonder "Who is this woman?" Sometimes I talk too much and there is this inner voice inside of me almost screaming at me to shut up and yet I keep on talking and talking and talking ~ blathering is probably the best word for what it is I do then. Other times when it is important that I do say something I am silent and that same voice that yelled "shut up!' is now screaming "say something!". But I don't. I don't shut up and I say nothing. I feel that my words are like meaningless sounds in empty air dropping like anvils from my mouth. Sometimes I am too reserved when I shouldn't be and I hold back. I hold back showing the love I feel and want to express because I am afraid of how it would be received. Other times I am too forward, too bold, too open and the very person I try to show how I feel about I end up alienating with who I am. Sometimes I think that I hide way too much and yet show the wrong things ~ or I show what is right but do so with the wrong people. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle with a piece missing ~ either that or a puzzle missing the picture on the box so I have no clue what it is I am trying to put together. I feel I am both too much and too little.

I know that this not how I am supposed to feel. This is where as a woman who is a Christ follower I am supposed to say "and yet it's alright because I find who I am in Him". Which is very true. But I'm afraid to let go. I'm being challenged again to go deeper into Christ and I find myself trembling and full of every reason why I can't, why I shouldn't. I've asked myself over and over and over again "Do I trust God enough for _____?" I'm afraid. Intellectually I know I am not too much or too little for God but my heart is screaming another message ~ a message taught by rejection and yet it is not God's message to me. Willing myself to be still I tremble with fear of possible rejection, of being misunderstood and misunderstanding yet again. Maybe I will be misunderstood by some. I know, given my track record, that I will misunderstand others but, somehow, frightened yet willing, I will trust my God. With one foot in front of the other, trusting because He's only shown goodness and kindness, I will go deeper and I will reach higher.

The song "Reflection" from the movie "Mulan" sung by Christina Aguilera ~ I can really relate to this song for some reason ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4mVA2OHzNc&feature=related