"I Need You to Love Me"

Sometimes I wonder when the old messages will finally be gone and won't play themselves in my head anymore.  I wonder when I will be done with the ugliness that almost destroyed my life.  I wonder when these things that slither out from the dark to grab me by the ankles and try to drag me back under will finally let go.

I thought that I would struggle more with things as I got close to the goal weight I have for myself ... which will take a fair amount of time to reach but instead it seems that it is starting now.  Maybe it isn't the losing weight but that I am finally making steps to come out of myself that is waking the ghosts of the past.  These old messages keep playing over and over again, specially when I want so much to do something worthwhile and with eternal value.  The message plays over and over again about how I have nothing to offer and that I lost all opportunity to do anything worthwhile because of the mess I had made of my life.   I find myself wondering when the past will ever be the past.

I've only lost eight pounds so far and I feel like I'm missing part of my defense already.  What am I going to do when I don't have that weight to alienate people?  What am I going to do when I stand there, just me, with nothing to hide behind?  Tonight I felt so vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to binge ... I just wanted to eat until I was numb again.  I've been kind of volunteered to help at AWANA at the church my parents go to.  Sweetpea goes there and loves it, and they really need leaders.  I figure they must be desperate since they've asked me to help out.  Tonight there was a meeting of the leaders for Sparkies and I felt so incredibly out of place, so I did what I generally do when I feel uncomfortable and I talked too much.   All I could think of when I was there was how much I don't belong with these people ... these beautiful women and their children and husbands.  There was another woman there who is also older and single, but she is so accomplished and talented and I feel so inadequate around her.  It is also so very difficult for me being at that church in so many ways.  This is the church I grew up going to and when I returned as an unwed mother I saw the looks I was given by some ... and while some may not think their words didn't get back to me, well they did. 

At the meeting I felt a mask settle over me and the need to "prepare a face to meet the faces that we meet".  I felt the hurt, and I felt the shame of choices I made years ago.  I heard the old voices in my head about not amounting to anything ... always trying but it never being good enough and that I had ruined any chance I may have had to do something as a ministry.  It was such an effort not to grab slice after slice of pizza that was there ... and the chocolate cake.  It was an act of the will not to have anything.  I came home and it was so hard not to walk to the fridge and eat until I didn't hurt anymore.  I wanted the walls up and higher than ever.  I wanted to eat the pain away that I am feeling.  Instead of eating the hurt away I am trying to write it out and deal with it.  Everything in me wants to put a mask firmly in place and pretend that I am feeling alright.  However, I can't do that anymore.  All I know is that there has to be more.  I want more from my life.  I want more for my daughter too.  How can I teach her to be genuine if I cannot be that way?  I just want to know when the poisonous whispers from the past will finally be done.  Maybe when I find the courage to write them out they will be silenced.

There is a song by BarlowGirl that has lyrics that fit so much of what I am feeling right now. 

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn’t you see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,
I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,
And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been
And I need you to love me,
I need you to love me,
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUA7zSTTi8Y