Tomorrow and other lies ....

There are very few things that I can think of that are more tedious than writing down everything that I eat.  As part of this twelve week weight loss challenge I am supposed to monitor and write down everything I eat and all physical activity I do.   On the upside I met the calorie restrictions I had put on myself.  On the downside I did not meet the goals I had for physical activity.  To sound like Scarlet O'Hara, I suppose there always is tomorrow.  Or is there?

At the first meeting the woman who is in charge of the physical activity component of the weight loss challenge made a point of saying that all of us there are not "bad" people because we are heavy and that messing up and "cheating" on the diet does not make a person "bad".    That was very interesting to me to hear because our society hates fat people.  Fat people are easy targets.  See, it is all our fault we are heavy.  We are lazy, gluttonous and have take out food delivery places on our speed dial, and we graze from one all you can eat fast food place to the next.  Apparently we are also pretty dim and borderline on "real dumb".  We are horrible people y'know.  Or so our society says.  It is ok to be mean to a fat person.  And I had bought hook, line and sinker into the lie that I am a second class citizen....


Lies. So many lies believed and living a half life because of those lies.  Lies. Lies. Lies.  Lies wrapping themselves around my being like a serpent holding me immobile and squeezing every bit of colour from my life.  Lies of what beauty really is, and that beauty and worth are synonymous.  As weird as it may sound it is my own mind that seems to be playing mind games with me. In some ways it is like when I was pregnant and God brought so many thing up (dredged them up is more accurate) for me to deal with. So, I guess it is God doing more of the same so that I won't be pulled down again and that I will see the lies I've believed for what they are ~ but every thing needs to be brought to the light in order to be dealt with. It is in the darkness the lies hold their power.  I wish I could say that I always feel beautiful.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the woman God created me to be.  Sometimes within my soul I dance free, and dance the beauty of God within me.  Only sometimes though.   I thought that I would start to "live" once I lose weight. I thought that I would only be deserving of happiness when I lose weight. I have let my weight hold me back from so many things .... I don't sing in public anymore because I don't like being in front of people. I hold back a lot of my personality because I don't want to draw attention to myself.  I was always waiting for "tomorrow".   I can't wait until tomorrow anymore.  It has to be today. 

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
What I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

~ Bethany Dillon, Beautiful